T Dark Ages

♥

Rubyyy was born in a time of darkness
Or, rather, into one
T man who first called me Ruby has no name
I usually refer to him as ‘The Asshole’
But I’ve realized this is insulting to assholes everywhere

So now he must be named… Ferenc

I became aware of Rubyyy, just before I fell for him
I had bright red hair and was boisterous and filled with secret self loathing
It was the teenage years of up and down everything
I was oddly beautiful, opinionated and quick
Believing no boys would ever like a girl like me
Imagine my surprise and joy, when one seemed to see me

I remember feeling hot and cold with him at first
One minute not caring a thing, another being drawn like a magnet
But our sexual attraction was intense and bound us together
I was addicted to doubt and he was an ever flowing source
Doubt turned to shame and I became addicted to that too

I believed I was unloveable
He believe he was unloveable
I loved him with everything
And he took it all

It was on and off for a year
That he took me apart
Piece by piece he examined me
And found each part inadequate

He never hit me
He never screamed
He never called me names
But he abused me, over and over
And I loved him
I must have believed I deserved nothing more

It was with him that I learned that I was ‘digusting’
That my urges to try new sexual things were wrong
That I didn’t deserve to come, or be touched, or held
I learned my role as a woman in sex
Was to give him pleasure and accept his come
I was a blind, confused come bucket
I was a nonorgasmic person
Believing as long as I was faking and he was happy
That he would never stop ‘loving me’

Of all the dark times we shared together
The one that has haunted me most came in the spring

We lived in a small town in Ontario
And I worked in a little restaurant on the downtown strip
Each night they would make me a meal to take home with me
I took mine to his house, I was spending most of my free time with him
Isolated, is how men like this like you to be

I was halfway through my meal when he decided he need to come
And being brainwashed, I happily oblidged
Though he never seemed to like my body much, these days I was rarely naked
Just enough for him to fuck into and maybe tits for leverage or his satisfaction
So mostly dressed I let him use me
Thinking how great a gf I was for making my man so happy
Squeezing my cunt tight for his hyper pleasure
It was quick and impersonal and he came over my ass, my back
Then grabbing the serviette from my dinner he wiped me
And threw the soiled tissue on to my plate
‘You were finished, weren’t you’
It wasn’t a question and I simply straightened my clothes and answered ‘yes’

I was hungry
In my stomach, in my heart, in my soul
But I didn’t know it, didn’t let myself know it
I stuffed down all my feelings and thoughts
Anything that suggested moving on from ‘him’
No wonder when he left me
I became addicted to throwing things up
He was my first ‘love’
My first ‘lover’
My first and last monster

.   .   .

I’ve come to the point in my life
Where I am open to love and being loved, all over again
It’s taken till now, for me to be strong enough in my heart and self
To process my time with Ferenc
To examine each experience and say to my little inner Rubyyy
‘You Don’t Have To B Afraid Anymore
I Love You
You Are Safe
I Will Take Care Of You’
And she gets scared still and I hold her
I hold myself and I hold my heart and whisper
‘You Are Safe
You Are Here
I Love You’
Until the tears and the shaking stops
Until my little inner girl feels safe and warm and sleepy
Letting her curl up in the safety of my self
N a corner of my warm, strong heart

I Love You Rubyyy Jones

I Love You

.   .   .

Love Lust & Light

♥

R

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