I’m Not Afraid

First Of All…

It’s Wonderful To Be Back
Missed You
*Snuggle*

When I returned the other day, I told you about my heart Missing In Action and it made me feel wonderful to write through, think through and feel through the situation further. So, although I have come to the conclusion, that overall – lifewise – Love Is All You Really Need, working through this situation has made me realise that, although it’s key lifewise, love is not the be all and end all in relationships.

I can say happily that I still love my troubled Flynt but from the moment I expressed to him that I felt ‘in love’ the built up, accumulated energy started to disolve; once my love was spoken and received, with thanks, it had no where else to go. We aren’t building that kind of feeling any more and although, in my heart, I believe he was, perhaps is, a little in love with me, I cannot give my heart to someone who doesn’t know how to love. I had my dreams of a future love with him that would only have been possible if we could both love each other wholeheartedly and then let each other go… As a Scorpio lady through and through, I like to start anew and I’m not afraid to say ‘no’ to love for fear that it will never return, I’m not afraid to get my heart smashed to smitherines if the love life is sweet and I’m not afraid to looove you.

I’ve been working very hard all week, working the door at a cabaret club with the crazy hours of 3 PM till 3ish AM, and the only thing that has been keeping me going is knowing that Saturday night I will come home and my Dark Horse will be there. *Big Smile* Sunday is Xmas shopping and getting my tattoo touched up! Pics to follow…

Love Lust & Light

♥
R
Rubyyy Jones

On Twitter @rubyyyjones
On Tumblr Rubyyyjones

Things I Looove…

I Need A Little Blog Cheering Up Today

And Nothing Cheers Me Up More Than Beautiful Objects

Beautiful Images

Beautiful Music…

 .   .   .

Beautiful Holiday Thingsss

 
Holiday Looovin

 

This Makes Me Smile

Yes Yes Yes To This Treee

Such A Beauitful Film… Total Treasure

Beautiful, Thoughtful Treatsss

Suuushi Cheer!
 

A Very Vogue Christmas

One Of My Favourite Moviesss

Glorious Pink Buffet

Santa’s Coming…

Love Lust & Light

♥
R
Rubyyy Jones

On Twitter @rubyyyjones
On Tumblr Rubyyyjones

Misssing In Action…

Hey Loversss

Sooo
Yeahhh I realize I’ve been a bit quiet lately, a bit distant you might say; I have been giving my personal life a little breathing space and also have been a busy bee!

Sooo
I’m back to you now, a little tentatively as I see my blog changing shape in the new year, and I find myself in a interesting head and heart space. I realized, while on a brief holiday in Canada, that I’m in love with two wonderful men. This is lovely for lots of reasons and I feel lucky to be blessed with very lovable lovers. Jackson is a darling and my darling, also known as Dark Horse, and he is just that and is alwayyys ‘dark horsing’ me. I’ve never been in such sweet love before and it really is a joy to be adored by him. This time last week, I was soaking in a lavender bubble bath he had drawn for me, scrubbing off that nights show and treating my tired everything. I could feel him through the wall, both of us so happy to be together again after a break and loving the physical closeness of our connection, I was smiling to myself and felt more at ease than I have in ages  and  I was struck so strongly by the thought:

…Love Really Is All You Need…

One of the things I ’ve loved learning from, with Jackson is the pleasure and freedom of nonattachment and though I like nice things, enjoy comfort and a tactile life, as I sat scrubbing away it really sunk in for me that I would rather this feeling of connected tenderness and to live a modest life then to have any and all of my wildest material dreams fulfilled. This is happiness in your bones that comes simply from loving someone and being loved in return.

After toweling off and a few hours of ridiculously lovely sex with my love, I had a little cry on his shoulder as I told him that I realised, while on my brief Canadian holiday, that my heart is in a polyamorous place at the moment (I’m all about fluidity so I will not declare a fixed orientation) and I was happy to find that I love Jackson and am in love with him but that I also love and am in love with Flynt. Jackson is polyamorous, so the tears were not in the telling but I felt the heaviness of speaking through years of conditioning and also not feeling very sure about what to do about it all. Flynt and I are not together and may never be the position where an ‘us’ would be possible – all I really could do is tell him. And I did.

I wish I could say telling him lifted the weight I feel or made my heart lighter but it honestly didn’t really. Well maybe a bit…but to me it’s information that needed to be shared for fairness sake, fairness to me, to him and to my heart.  I don’t love people so they will love me back, I love because it is my nature and my passion and knowing whether he feels deeper love for me or not is not my motivation for telling. To be honest, I’m not even asking for a particular future with him cause I just don’t have that on my mind, I don’t know what I want from this situation…maybe just to be loved…

When I first got together Flynt I had this little dream for our love. While I was in England, we would be lovers and make the most of the time we had and of each other, we would fall in love so we could love each other the rest of this life. I would see him when I came back to London, for work or holiday and I would spend a few weeks in the quiet country each year, with him and his family, relaxing, writing and revisiting our connection. Our love would change and grow, would see him settled in his life,surrounded by family, happy at last, would see me through soulmates and children and art. We would grow old and I’d probably know the emptiness of living on this earth without him rolling around, causing mischief and I would hold, close to my spirit, the energy of everything that we were to each other. Just a little dream…

Sooo
I’m back and I’m sharing and I thank you for being so patient

Love Lust & Light

♥
R
Rubyyy Jones

On Twitter @rubyyyjones
On Tumblr Rubyyyjones