Misssing In Action…

Hey Loversss

Sooo
Yeahhh I realize I’ve been a bit quiet lately, a bit distant you might say; I have been giving my personal life a little breathing space and also have been a busy bee!

Sooo
I’m back to you now, a little tentatively as I see my blog changing shape in the new year, and I find myself in a interesting head and heart space. I realized, while on a brief holiday in Canada, that I’m in love with two wonderful men. This is lovely for lots of reasons and I feel lucky to be blessed with very lovable lovers. Jackson is a darling and my darling, also known as Dark Horse, and he is just that and is alwayyys ‘dark horsing’ me. I’ve never been in such sweet love before and it really is a joy to be adored by him. This time last week, I was soaking in a lavender bubble bath he had drawn for me, scrubbing off that nights show and treating my tired everything. I could feel him through the wall, both of us so happy to be together again after a break and loving the physical closeness of our connection, I was smiling to myself and felt more at ease than I have in ages  and  I was struck so strongly by the thought:

…Love Really Is All You Need…

One of the things I ’ve loved learning from, with Jackson is the pleasure and freedom of nonattachment and though I like nice things, enjoy comfort and a tactile life, as I sat scrubbing away it really sunk in for me that I would rather this feeling of connected tenderness and to live a modest life then to have any and all of my wildest material dreams fulfilled. This is happiness in your bones that comes simply from loving someone and being loved in return.

After toweling off and a few hours of ridiculously lovely sex with my love, I had a little cry on his shoulder as I told him that I realised, while on my brief Canadian holiday, that my heart is in a polyamorous place at the moment (I’m all about fluidity so I will not declare a fixed orientation) and I was happy to find that I love Jackson and am in love with him but that I also love and am in love with Flynt. Jackson is polyamorous, so the tears were not in the telling but I felt the heaviness of speaking through years of conditioning and also not feeling very sure about what to do about it all. Flynt and I are not together and may never be the position where an ‘us’ would be possible – all I really could do is tell him. And I did.

I wish I could say telling him lifted the weight I feel or made my heart lighter but it honestly didn’t really. Well maybe a bit…but to me it’s information that needed to be shared for fairness sake, fairness to me, to him and to my heart.  I don’t love people so they will love me back, I love because it is my nature and my passion and knowing whether he feels deeper love for me or not is not my motivation for telling. To be honest, I’m not even asking for a particular future with him cause I just don’t have that on my mind, I don’t know what I want from this situation…maybe just to be loved…

When I first got together Flynt I had this little dream for our love. While I was in England, we would be lovers and make the most of the time we had and of each other, we would fall in love so we could love each other the rest of this life. I would see him when I came back to London, for work or holiday and I would spend a few weeks in the quiet country each year, with him and his family, relaxing, writing and revisiting our connection. Our love would change and grow, would see him settled in his life,surrounded by family, happy at last, would see me through soulmates and children and art. We would grow old and I’d probably know the emptiness of living on this earth without him rolling around, causing mischief and I would hold, close to my spirit, the energy of everything that we were to each other. Just a little dream…

Sooo
I’m back and I’m sharing and I thank you for being so patient

Love Lust & Light

♥
R
Rubyyy Jones

On Twitter @rubyyyjones
On Tumblr Rubyyyjones